Lesser of Two Evils

When your team is out of the playoffs, (or just aren't scheduled to play any time you are watching sports and need a reason to get interested), then you always end up playing a minigame - of the two teams playing, who do you hate more?

Very often this is an easy game to play. I fucking hate the Yankees, almost as much as I love the Red Sox. The old saying we all know is, "I have two favorite teams: the sox and whoever is playing the Yanks that night." That's cute, and it certainly is nice having teams you will NEVER root for, but rarely is it that cut and dry. There's a reason for this - if you're not my team, I probably hate you.

But do I hate you, or do I HATE you? Congrats if you're on my shit list, it means there's nothing you could ever do to make me cheer for you. Holding my family hostage unless I pull for the Lakers in the NBA finals? Sorry fam, gotta sacrifice for the greater good. The Canadiens are playing a squad of only SS troops? Roll Tiger tanks, roll. The Jets win the SuperBowl or my first born is thrown to the wolves? Eat well, pups.

Now that's next level hatred. More often than not you are merely choosing between teams you don't want to win, as opposed to teams you can't see win. Here's where we run into problems. There's so many reasons not to like any team that is not yours. We need some kind of formula, an equation a much smarter man than me needs to create. Let me help you, egghead. Here's the foundation of picking the lesser of two evils. -Start with a side by side comparison of these teams. First off, did one of these teams eliminate your squad from the playoffs? (My pops always says, "rather lose to the champs..." so he will pull hard for anyone who knocks the Boston Boys from the trophy tournament). Did one of the teams oust you in a previous season? Which team had the most recent, significant win over your boys? Because screw them.

-When is the last time one of these teams went to, or won, the 'chip? If they got titles they can sucka dick. If they got multimple titles recently and are fringing on a dynasty then you best be giving them bad juju as hard as you fucking can. We can't be having dynasties we don't root for because then their fans will become utterly insufferable. Yes, I realize the irony in a guy from Boston saying this. Has one of the teams not won in for.ev.er? Have a heart, root for the Cubbies if they're in the NLCS.

-Next, where do the teams play? I will not pull for Florida teams. Fuck that. Or, another example, I hate Michigan, Big Blue Bastards; so, if you're close to Michigan then it's minus points for you, deal with it.

-Maybe you don't live in the city of the teams you love? I live in LA as a New England fan, so if one of the teams is from anywhere close to Los Angeles I will feverishly root against them because I can't have Angelinos celebrating all up in my face. Ain't nobody got time for that. Or maybe you got a cool cousin who lives near one of the teams?

-Do you have any former hometown boys on your squad? If you have a guy who used to play balls to the walls for my team then that is a HUGE plus, or maybe he went to the College I love? Conversely, does one of the teams have an absolute shitbag on it? Maybe it's a player I loathe as much as the other team as a whole. Same goes for coaches, looking at you Ryan family.

-How sweet are their jerseys? This can be a game2game factor due to home/away/alternate options. Horrible jerseys impact worse than sweet jerseys.

-When I was a little guy did I ever play for one of the teams in PeeWee? Big ups to my 9 year old Rockies squad.

-*Ladies only* Which mascot would win in a fight? I don't know why the fems like this caveat so much, but every chick brackett filled out in this office pool is filled out like this if they don't know shit about sports. Would a Wildcat beat a Terrier? smdh. Ladies been killing us for years on this one. -How much of an underdog is one team? If one of these groups has the odds against them you have to pull for them, that's just sports. Unless you are my dick best friend from NYC. He's always pulling for the front runner. Fucker.

-Possibly, most importantly, and therefore lasly, which has the fan base you hate more? Do the people who root for these teams know the game? If the city is sport's savvy then I'll usually cut the team some slack, but if you poorly represent your team I'll hold it against them until the end of time.

Obviously, we can come out of all this bullshit still in a tie for who we hate less. It can come down to a coin flip, or maybe your buddy and you make a bet just to make it interesting. If worse comes to worse here's the tie-breaker - during the game which team has the hottest fan? Plain and simple math. If the camera finds a chickadee rocking the team's colors and I can imagine those clothes on my floor that is a MASSIVE point for that team. I guess for any chick reading this then it's the team with the hottest guy on it and in that case the Patriots win again.

tl;dr everyone sucks, root for the stadium to fall into a sinkhole. #gopats

#paddyo #sports #hatred #math #pickem