Your 5 to Stay Alive

Sundays are fantastic. Sundays are what we work for. They are all that is right in the world. Mondays. Mondays are the devil's herpe ridden asshole. Mondays make you forget all about the weekend and remind you how bad you wanna die and just be done with it all. This is the solution: five things, just five simple things, to keep you from tying that noose. If you can find five fucking things you love, or even slightly like, then you can make it through the week. One for each day. One for each empty chamber in Russian Roulette. Focus on the good and maybe, just maybe, you won't wanna take that cyanide pill. This is why your boy is here - to give you my five to stay alive. Let's see what we got this week! 1. It's JUNE 1st! Summer is here, fuckers! The girls are gonna be showing the girls! The guys are all gonna eat a little less because they have to be shirtless and so they will attempt to drop some lbs and that's a better aesthetic for everyone. Dad bods can be in when football is back, but for now it's all of us trying to convince eachother that we workout 365. You don't wanna miss these summer shindigs. If you wanna eat a bullet come fall that's fine, but not during the sun's peak performance. C'mon, a fucking fireball is trying its hardest to cheer you up. That's legit crazy.

2. Zac Brown Band - Jekhyl and Hyde

This is my album for the summer sun, which is reason number one not to die, but this album is about 15 more tracks of reasons not to jump off a bridge. These fuckers hit you with an electric pop track right out of the gate, a big band joint, a regae drinking track, a Chris Cornell fronted ripper, and plenty of classic ZBB country tracks. Certified slammahhhhhhs. Seriously, if you don't have one specific musical preference this is the album for you. Zac wails, the guitar cries, and the ladies are gonna love the romantic shit. This would easily be reason number one not to slit the wrists if it wasn't the summer season.

3. NBA finals start this week! Happy joy there is a strong chance Steph Curry shoots the lights out in Cleveland and that city burns itself to the ground. If that doesn't cheer you up then maybe the thought of LeBron crying will. Then again Steve Kerr already has enough rings to propose to all the Kardashian chicks and start a harem of his own Armenian wives.

P fuckin S Kylie is mine when Tyga is done. #calledit #dibbs

4. The new MAD MAX. It should have been called Mad Imperator Furiosa. Hear me out. The very first Mad Max, when Mel Gibson looks like he is 17, follows the de-evolution of Max as a law-man into a law-less vigilante. Without spoiling too much, the reboot is wayyyyy more about Charlize Theron becoming something she is not than Tom Hardy completing a 2 hour character arc. That is not to say this film isn't worth it; it is! Great chases, great crashes, great throughline. This is a rare flick that is worth your $12.50 or whatever the fuck it is these days.

5. Last, but certainly not least, PRO FUCKING WRESTLING. If you didn't catch my Elimination Chamber recap/LIVE BLOG (yes the full recap was up within five mins of the PPV closing) then you can catch it right here

http://coneil925.wix.com/past#!Elimination-Chamber/colb/556b99ba0cf298b2d3f5576f

Seriously, knuckleheads, I will not steer you wrong. Wrestling is back. We are talking attitude era back. There are great, fully developed characters and terrific rivalries. HHH is in charge and has a heel holding most belts, (the way it should be), and underdogs in every division waiting to strike. Not to mention, NXT is like a rested bullpen - they have talent to burn. Look up Sammy Zane, Enzo Amore and Big Cas, or my personal favorite, Finn fucking Balor. These guys are ALL legit and could be called to the big show any second. If you don't have three hours for RAW then take an hour for NXT on Wednesdays, well worth it. You will keep yourself alive just to see who the next Kevin Owens is.

Trust your Uncle PaddyO. You wanna live for this shit. I havn't let you down yet.

Survive with these five. And if this doesn't work, which is pretty much the most implosible thing of all time, then talk to

someone. Seriously. Ya fucking idiots.

tl;dr here's the video, not as in depth, but all the same shit. stay up, knuckleheads!

#paddyo #mondaymorning #miserablemonday