5 to Stay Alive
Congratulations! You did what others could not do this week of June 13th, 2015, you survived! Woo hoo, not dead! As a reward I, your boy, PaddyO, am here to grant you with another weekly dose of your 5 to Stay Alive. I am a charitable man, and with these 5 gifts of inspiration you will be able to claw your way through another week of hell. You're welcome, knuckleheads.
1. Jurassic fucking World. GTFO of here with how good this flick was! A perfect amout of homage to the first, classic, ground-breaking film. A fantastic blend of action, comedy and feels. Pratt being a badass, BDH being, surprisingly, super hot, and the kids not being too too annoying (still wanted them to get eaten, but not as much as I thought I would). The genetically altered dino was my main pause for hesitation pre-viewing, but I loved where they went with it, and they didn't dwell on it too much, or make that the whole story. The climax if worth admission, and if you don't see this thing and want a pet raptor we can't be friends. "YOU"RE MY BOY, BLUE!!!" Swag and I wanted more of that slammah theme music from John Williams, but you also don't want to use it too much as a crutch. Just a great summer blockbuster where you gorge on popcorn and candy while people get torn in half by giant reptiles. If that's not a reason to stay alive then I don't know what is.
2. Usually I am behind the 8 ball, but when it comes to MUSE you gotta be ahead of the curve, and their new album, DRONES, is a slammah. I, literally, prayed to get one more good album out of these guys when Kate Hudson started banging Matt, because she is certifiably batshit cray and ruined The Black Crowes. In this case, though, MUSE is getting better! Their last album, The 2nd Law, was legit as fuck too! Download anything and everything MUSE. Simple as that.
3. Destiny. Here's the thing, goon squad, I love me some video games. Shit, I have an Assassin's Creed tat. Now, I will shell out 60 bones for a franchise I love, but if I am unsure about a game I will wait until it is on sale, thus you might see some semi-old games in my 5. That being said, I waited on Destiny and am now tearing through it. It's a make-shift Halo, sure, but that doesn't mean it isn't fun blasting the heads off your alien foes. I'm a scout rifle guy, because I'm precise as fuck, but you can mod any way your heart pleases. Why will this keep you alive? Because you will want to get sweet sweet revenge on that little shit who pwned you in multiplayer before you leveled up and talked shit about boning your mom. #nades4newbs
4. Want to realize how good you have it? Watch other people fail at their mediocre, miserable existence in real time: download the Periscope app and live stream off of people's mobile devices ANYWHERE in the world. It's a fucking magical time, kiddos. Yes, I am plugging this bc it is another avenue on which you can access your boys, You Wouldn't Be Friends With Us In Real LIfe, but it is also a pretty fucking great idea. Link to your Twitter and entertain rando's like me, or just watch me mundanely write blogs and curse at the TV and you will have a whole new will to live.
5. This girl. She's been dancing through my grey matter all week. What a little minx. Goodness. On the youtube channel I will probably just say, "imgur is your fifth reason to stay alive," but it's really this Korean napalm bomb of sex. Eunsol Park, for research, as the imgurians say.
There's like 30 vids of her and her friends shaking ass. If you're reading my blog you have the spare time. Friends ain't bad either, I see you Native American wannabe ; )
I know that is a masochistic way to end your five, but, ladies, you gotta be able to appreciate that aesthetic too. And if you have boobs and read all the other bullshit I write then you need to message me and I'll give you a different #5. (Insert .... heh insert heh ... joke about 5 inches here)
OK that's it for me this week! Remember any day above ground is a good one and that your life is definitely better than mine. Stay up, fuckers!
You made it down here?! That shit up top didn't cure your desire to die?? well. you are feeling reaaaaaally depressed like the rest of the world due to Game of Thrones, right? For this, I have no reason for you to stay alive: you gotta wait until R.R. releases another book to find out if the Bastard Boy Commander is TRULY dead, and even then there's no guarantee you find out right away! i.e. Lady Stoneheart, the mountain, the Hound, Benjen. And if that doesn't work you still are without the HBO show until next April. That's all pretty shitty. So you might wanna pull a Lady Stannis and find a tall tree, or just rewatch the entire series and fall in love with pixie hair Dorney's boobs all over again. Hey, there's always a chance the Lord of Light brings you back, or you come back as a White Walker ...