5 to stay alive
Been a tough week to wanna keep living, what with no important sports on (sorry regular season MLB and US Open [congrats Speith]), GoT over and temperatures rising like fart bubbles in the shallow end. Fear not loyal readers, for it is during these truly dire weeks your boy is here for you. It's all fun and games when you're happy, but it's crunch time now. So untie the noose and lock up the rat poison for one more week - here's your 5 to stay alive.
1. True Detective. Season 2. GTFO with that first episode HBO. Felt like 90 minutes, in a good way. Tons of info crammed into the Season Premiere, as you would expect. Of course, we know this is the era of anti-heroes and this show has no shortage of that. At this point we are all gambling at Vince Vaughn's casino on which of these lunatics snaps first, which is the most crazy, which has the most fucked up back story, (no pun intended Taylor Kitsch's actual back), and which one is going to kill which. Rachel McAdams seems like a little bitch; her dad seemed to have her pegged - I'll be surprised if I like this character, but she does like butt stuff according to that first scene! :) Colin Farrell looks awesome and had the best line of the night, "I'll come back and butt-fuck your father with your mom's headless corpse on this lawn!" (close second, the whore sister to McAdams, "When you walk it's like erasers clapping," funny because she loves the butt stuff and is totally into casual sex and also for the visual of chalk dust flying out of Regina George's box.) Vince doesn't seem bad enough yet, and he's the only real "bad" guy, so I can't wait until he loses his shit. Love how they all come together at the end. Great production value, this felt like a pre-season premiere because of all the back story, but, to me, that just means a meatier story! Gonna be a great summer series!
PS - I see you Taylor Kitsch's hot gf, as soon as Viagra boy says her name I will get you the pics kiddos.
2. Sam Hunt - Montevallo. Rage fire. Take Your Time is the panty dropper. Leave the NIght On and House Party are thumpers. Break Up in a Small Town - all the feels. Keith Urban's #1 Cop Car was written by this cat; dude is a stud. Flat out smolder for days and guy's looks could keep him around by themselves. My man, Sam Hunt, slammahs for slammahs.
3. Hooker masseuses. Here me out. Swiping hard today and get a match and I was offered a rub down for $90/90mins, "$300 if you want more.." Did I just get solicited on TINDER? Opens up a whole new world! What a business model! No way LA Sherriffs are on the fireball that is tinder. Genius move really. Why kill yourself when you have a chick making house calls that you didn't even plan for! Can't over-price that kind of surprise/spontanaity. From now on I only swipe right for cash, gotta get on this girl's level. BONUS - you get a sneak peek at your boy's tinder text game.
4. The health app in your iPhone. You guys know I am always behind on the times with at least one of these, and granted this is a big one, but I still think some people don't know about it! So this handy-dandy lil mofo will count every step you take throughout the day, tell you how many miles you average a day, do sleep analysis, clock your weight, count the calories in your food! The damn thing does it all and I had no idea this tool was out there, and I don't think a lot of other peope do either because they throw money at other shit that does this when we have this built in! Get with the times guys, sheesh.
5. Zombie dick. It's been done. We have peaked as a civilization. South African doctors have succesfuly given a dude who lost his dick in a botched circumcision (cmon its 2015) a dead man's dong. So go crazy sticking your dicks in things guys because we can just go to the boner buffet and pick out a cadaver cock! Always wanted to run with scissors or stick your schlong in the jets of your hot tub? Knock yourself out: there's always Peter the organ donar's peter on standby. http://www.bbc.com/news/health-31876219 Real talk - this guy knocked up his gf IMMEDIATELY after getting his new box blaster. Can't help it - once you think you're never gonna bone again, but a miracle zombie dick comes along you are using and abusing that thing. So money for the dead dude too! Still getting laid from the grave: LEGEND.
if your google search reads anything like mine then you most likely are more suicidal than me plenty more zombie penis and dead guy's dick for you sickos.
PS - chances the chick ACTUALLY offs herself because some random, DEAD stranger's penis is destroying her nightly? I'd say pretty high. And no way that kid is 100% this guy's - I'm saying 10% his and 90% dead guy's because anyone can bust too soon when in the sack, having a dick is the HARD part.
There you have it. No way you wanna cliff dive after that RAGING euphamism in that last THROBBING joke. Crank the AC, pop a cold one, and think about all the people who got it worse than you! Stay above ground, knuckleheads.