5 to Stay Alive
Boys and girlsssssss! Welcome back! You've made it another week. You struggled through. Scratched, clawed, bitched and moaned through another work week only to find another one staring you right in the grill Monday Morning. It's enough to make even the biggest optomist consider swallowing razorblades. Oh but my little babies it's ok, I am here, your boy, Paddy O, coming at ya hot with your five reasons to stay alive this last week of June 2015. Pour the coffee, put the gun down and let's get this suicide prevention started!
1. Usually I don't throw a slammah at you right out of the gate, but you guys need it today. A whollllle lotta sour faces out there. This is sure to turn that bullshit around. Turn your sounds to 11 and listen to the sweet, sweet sounds of German acapela. The finale song of Das Sound Machine (DSM) from PITCH PERFECT 2 is an absolute lava track, melts the speakers with their remix of Fall Out Boy's "Light them Up," and "All I Do is Win" from DJ Khaled. You didn't know you needed white boy German rap in English until these fuckers almost single-handedly took down your Barden Bellas. The movie ain't bad at all - Elizabeth Banks' first directing gig, everyone's not-secret crush: Ana Kendrick, lil stunnah Shailene Woodley, wassssss good? And good laughs throughout. Nice lil flick, too much un-funny fat Amy if ya ask me. Quit going to the dried up well, Pitches. Bomb track ignite!
2. BATMAN ARKHAM KNIGHT. Just the other week I was telling you jabronis how I don't spend primo coin on games I am unsure of, well, fuck that shit when BATMAN is involved. MY fucking dog is named after Bruce Wayne for crying out loud, I'm not waiting for the chance to don the cowl and fly around Gotham. Love this series, and love the upgrades this game provides. Sorry if you're a PC gamer, then you have serious issues with this game and probably already pulled the trigger, maybe you should just console game like a normal person. Here I am firing missiles from the Batmobile, ejecting 500 feet above the city streets, defying gravity, only to come hurtling down on some unsuspecting thug with 200+ lbs of feirce vengeance and animalistic ferocity. The suit has been upgraded, so you move faster, the Critical Hits are super easy to time out, (dodge is spotty, but I might need to unlock that ability yet), so you are a non-lethal vigilante crushing the streets like a super hero in GTA. Worth it. Now go find out who the ARKHAM KNIGHT is. Cmon, look at this tank.
3. Putting this right in the middle because if you hated the first two, or might hate the last two, you cannot hate this - Marriage Equality, finally in America! About fucking time guys, goodness. Why this was ever not allowed is beyond me. It's 2015. Marry whoever the fuck you want! Woooooo! No one gives a shit. Honestly, you wanna hitch your ride to someone else's? Godspeed. I don't care what sex you choose to marry, but there better be an open bar at that reception knuckleheads! There are so many straight couples that are ONE MILLION times gayer than any homosexuals that this is so ironic: Go snuggle and call eachother plum bum while discussing the Bachelor and eating froyo. No one stops you from the weird shit you do in or out of the bedroom, so it is about damn time we stopped trying to impose all that goofy, hetero couple bologna on people who just wanna tickle bits with the same sex. Have at it kids! You still better sign a pre-nup! ;) #lovewins
4.BALLERS. Oh Rocky how have you kept me enthralled for 15+ years?! This guy is in another stratosphere. Unreal career arc, and he's so damn good in everything. You want to not like Dwayne, firstly because his fucking name is Dwayne, and secondly because he is so dang talented, handsome, huge, funny, charismatic and probably BD'd. I realize this sounds like I wanna jump on that Supreme Court ruling and become Mrs. The Rock (I totally would, btw), but I am just a huge nerd/fanboy for Rocky Maivia. Everyone knows I love WWE, action movies and poontang references, but throw this mofo into the world of pro football and my brain practically implodes. Show still finding its legs, but it has some great bits, gotta love the cameos, cars ... & of course the delicious scenery, hellooooo Mrs. Ricky. I'll be tuning in and rooting against these fake, TV Dolphins just like the real ones. #gopats
5. Last, but thank the Lord, not least - JULY FUCKING FOURTH IS THIS WEEK!!!! You're almost there my little fuckers! Put your head down, make it to Friday and before you know it you will have a cold bottle of suds in your hand, sand in your toes, sun on your back, the endless horizon in your eyes, and the sounds of freedom all around you. Easily the best day of summer. Bring the guns out, look at how everyone's "diets" worked out and soak it in. This is America - THE greatest country in the world with a holiday all about eating hot dogs, cheeseburgers, drinking beer and blowing shit up. Throw that middle bird across the Atlantic to ol' King George (not you current royals, you guys are fucking cool with us), and pour a little out for those gangsta, farmer revolutionaries who whooped ass 239 years ago. If you don't enjoy this year then you can't be helped and need to go surrender with France or some shit. Guys. It's on a Saturday this year! You have alllllll day Sunday to recover: slap the aloe on your scorched face, drink a bloody Mary for your hair of the dog, and relax. I'll be down in Hermosa for anyone wondering, and I plan on bending you all over a barrel and showing you the 50 states in honor of our forefathers! Now someone toss me a BUD HEAVY! MERICA!
This should be an easy week to coast through. Huge light at the end of thr tunnel, kiddos. Next week is gonna be a doozie, but let your boy worry about that. Don't drop the toaster in the tub just yet, you gotta see which one of your friends gets gay married, who wears the sluttiest homage to America, who the Arkham Knight is, if Ana Kendrick ever bangs the hot German chick, and if real life rocky ever turns heel! I mean cancel the suicide watch, I just kept everyone alive 7 more days.