5 to Stay Alive
I know, you're still hungover. It's way too fucking hot. You're working when all you wanna do is sit by the pool or ocean like you were doing Saturday. You probably feel fat from how shitty you ate this weekend. Maybe it would just be easier to drive the car off a bridge during the commute this morning... FUCK THAT! It's ok kids! I'm here! Uncle PO with your five reasons to stay alive this week from bleeding Red, White, and Blue to crazy sex robots that will eventually kill us all anyway! This is your weekly list of things on planet Earth good enough to stick around for. Not to mention killing yourself takes work, and if you screw it up it'll make you even more depressed (Re: sad giraffe above) Let's flashback to that pool and dive right in:
1. There is only one place to start today: I've said it before, and I'll say it again, "Man, I love being an American." Our US Women went up to America's hat and dominated the globe at their own game. We took footie, shoved it up everyone's ass, and made them ask for seconds and thirds. First ladies squad with three World Cups. Is that good? We crushed Japan within the first ten minutes of the final too, they almost called off the second half. This really just proves my theory: if we trained our 20 best male athletes for 4 years how to play soccer, (I'm talking 18 hours a day, live, breath, eat soccer), then we would absolutely annihilate anyone who wanted to come get some. USA is just better. CP3 corner kick to LeBron in the box who jumps out of the stadium and heads it in, or any NHL goalie between the posts using cat reflexes to actually make a save if the ball ever gets past Aqib Talib, Darrel Revis, and Earl Thomas. Then you got the hustle, leader, balding-type who just wills his team to win: Dustin fucking Pedroia. We would never need to know Landon Donavan's cranky, bitter ass even exists, guy wouldn't even be an alternate. We decided soccer was cool for the ladies in the States and look what has hapenned - sheer dominance. We are grown free and bred to be champions. (We gotta stop being little pussies about playing time, and whining about "everyone's a winner," but right now we still are untouchable.) For now our girls are going to continue scaring the entire world for us because we have real sports to play. Good shit girls.
2. Tyler fucking Farr. This guy don't give a shit if you listen to his tunes or not, and you gotta love that. He's a fat country boy singing about cheating chicks, drinking buddies, and being a bad ass merican, could probably write this blog. His new album, Suffer in Peace, is full of slammahs specifically the hottest track A Guy Walks Into a Bar. Withdrawls, Suffer in Peace, and Criminal all give you ear boners, although none of them come close to Redneck Crazy of the last album. This guy can sing, make you feel like calling the ex, and really want a beer. Turn him up.
3. You're not GREEK! This is a layup guys. You don't even have to do anything for this ray of sunshine that will cheer you up and make you thankful you were born in not-Athens: you aren't Greek, your people didn't vote NO on a referendum for a EU bailout, and 25% of your population isn't unemployed! (Not too far off, but hey, not 25%! Bright side of things in this blog!) That's pretty much it! Congrats on not being a citizen of a country about to get booted from a union you weren't ever supossed to be able to get booted from! smh. How the mighty have fallen. C'mon Greece, where's that warrior spirit we conjured up for Hollywood and Homer sucked your dick about!? Quit being the sad, lazy country who feels bad for itself. Shit, maybe Greece needs to read my blog...
4. This.
2015. This is everyday tech. Fucking nuts. This should make you want to live because you can't miss whatever comes next! Also, you don't have to kill yourself because alllll these other dipshits will fly the drones, and film the fireworks from the inside for us! We don't have to be the douchebag launching a drone on July 4th instead of drinking a beer, we can just continue to be the lazy asshole who watches that vid online! Life is good!
5. Ex Machina. Goodness this movie is crazy. Someone smarter than me can tell you all the philosophical shit involving Nietzsche's theories on killing God, the obvious parallels to playing God and Frankenstein, the painful allegories to existence, specifically: loneliness, acceptance, trust, love, sensuality, and uniqueness. I am here to tell you this movie is awesome, sexy, smart, and worth your time. It will make you think, and guess about what you would do in this situation. A wild little ride, with a skeleton cast, a taught script, and ominous audio throughout. Check this shit out and tell me you wouldn't bang a robot, or that they actually don't live among us now, or aren't about to take over the world and become our new overlords. I, for one, welcome them, and would ask they deciminate my anti-suicide blog to the masses! Hellllllllllo Ava! (could you look more like Natalie Portman?!)
special shout out if you get the title - hey Greek theatre nerds! hot robot gif is your reward!
That is going to wrap it up this week, which reminds me - always wrap it up, you don't want to bring another miserable human into this world only to have them want to end it all after reading my blog! We are in the throws of summer: have an ice cream, do a cannonball, crank the AC and stay hydrated because there is nothing worse than depression or accidental suicide in summer! If you do kill yourself we request it involve a patriotic, sex robot with a Greek accent and you film it with your drone, upload it to youtube with some Tyler Farr as the background music. Guaranteed views. Stay up, kiddos there's so much to live for. Until next week...