5 to Stay Alive
Congratulations, knuckleheads! You not only made it through another week of mortal misery, but you have brilliantly, or accidentally, found the single most important blog on the interwebs: Your 5 reasons to not kill yourself for the third week of July 2015! This can be a tough time of year for anyone with the heat and ... well, just the fucking heat, shit. So put the razor blade down, read this shit, watch some vids and chill the fuck out with the self-euthanasia.
1. Finn fucking Balor. This guy is single handedly taking over the entire WWE starting with NXT. My boy, BEEF, and I cannot get this entrance music out of our heads and I figured there is no better way to bring you into the 5 this week than with some hardcore wrestling intros. So walk down the street this week and give someone a stunner or rock bottom or just sceam "Wooooooo!" and you will instantly not wanna kill yourself - Paddy O guarantee.
how much of a slammah is this fucking song?!
you're welcome
still the most electrifying
wooooooooooo!
2. Only thing that gets me more hype than wraaaaaastling videos, as anyone who knows me will tell you, is ANYTHING Deadpool. I am a Wade Wilson fanatic and I don't care who knows. I truly feel Ryan Reynolds is perfect for the role and I have been waiting 11 years for this to come to pass, so this years' revelation that it actually, might, maybe, possibly happen (with a hard R!!!) has given me the biggest 4th wall meta boner of all time. Needlesstosay ComicCon this week has the fanboy in me doing back flips and then the DEADPOOL trailer leaked and so did my dick from watching it. I don't wanna get tooooooo excited, but this trailer has made me come 10 X's more than all the females I've ever met in my life....
I will, by sheer will and determination, not die until Feb 2016, because my entire life leads up to seeing this movie, and yours should too.
Deadpool will never not make the 5 to Stay Alive. I'm definitely touching myself tonight.
3. Oh here's a reason not to end your life - Your face doesn't look like Rory McDonald's. Seriously. And it doesn't look like Robbie Lawler's. These guys killed eachother at UFC 189. One of the best PPV's I've seen top to bottom. You got to see two humans absolutey demolish one another while you wathed at home and probably drank a beer. If you wanted this kind of color and violence in the past 30,000 you had to enter a fucking war. A little NSFW after this, but I think this blog is fairly NSFW every week so.....
lisp forever
AND conor won!
Hoooooooooray Ireland!
You can't die before this crazy mic fights Aldo because it might be a televized execution. (I can say it because I am one, also "ginger" for that matter.
4. A lot of times I get sucked into a show, and if I was doing this blog a few years ago I would have told you not to die in order to find out how FlashForward, or LIFE, ends. Ufortunately, we never got endings to either of those short-lived television dreams, but SENSE8 may be different? We know nothing after the first episode, and instantly want more, but are unsure if it will be worth our while. I haven't started ep 2 yet, but I know I will, I need to know more. It's the Wachowski's, but how much trust is left from the Matrix franchise, if any? These siblings just don't seem to know how to end a story, and this is one that definitely appears to need a solid, superb ending to make the series. There's always a chance it is the next great thing, and do you want to off yourself before seeing how many different ethnicites/nationalities can be in the 8???!!!
It's on NETFLIX so binge with me.
5. Ahsoka Tano lives! Obviously ComicCon can keep a nerd like me alive for at least 7 more days, but guys this is seriously huge news! We know our young padawan has survived order 66 and we know JJ Abrahms is a canon-nut, so could Yoda maybe, possibly, in any-way-shape-or-form been referring to Snips in his infamous, "no, there is another..." in reference to the assumed twin sister of Luke, Leia. One can only hope to see the Togruta badass in a post credit scene or something. This alllll leads to the amazing footage released in San Diego of episode 7. If you haven't seen it, (why the fuck not?!), here it is ---
if this doesn't make you want you live until December I literally CANNOT help you further, and you need to call the number below.
Thus ends another fantastic week 6 feet above all those dead suckers. You have so much to look forward to! (hey hover-boards, wtf?) Or at least I tricked you into thinking you do!? A nerdy week, but if people with horrid BO and unnatural obsessions over Jessica Nigri can manage to not suck a muffler so can you! Try not to eat any bullets this week, jabronis! until next time ......